God Is
I wrote this at the start of my year, and it has proven to be more true than I had realised.
God is the voice which beckons me to come and die
God is the one who went before me and demonstrated it.
God is the source of my being
He who gives me the desire and means to surrender to him
God is the one who looks on my sickness and does nothing.
And causes me great pain.
And brings me to nothing.
To the mouth of the grave.
He said he would make all things new.
God makes promises
God is the one who causes me to look past my sin and sickness to the greater glory at the end.
And makes the path clear.
And carries me down it.
God is the object of my divided desires.
Does God desire me, also?
Would he allow my suffering if he did?
God is the one who can use every situation for good.
Since he calls me to come and die.
That he would make me new.
God is called 'redeemer', for he rescues the debtor and pleads for them.
God is the one who restores my soul.
Pleading for it in the eternal courts.
God is the one who cries out for me and from me when I have not words.
He who cries
"I will die"
I did not expect how tough this year would be, but reading these words again I understand that God did. And God has been with me, just as I wrote here. He has demanded much of me - much more than I was ever prepared to surrender.
But I don’t think I would change any of it.
Peace.
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Cleaning my room
You know that wobbly feeling in the bottom of your stomach? It's probably not there right now, unless you're having some sort of dietary issue, but it's a feeling I think everyone gets, sometimes.
I got it yesterday when I was cleaning out my room. My room at university is one of my favourite places. It's full of fun things, some wonderful books and, best of all, a nice, soft bed. I've spent a lot of my time in that room, smiling. But that room is one of the places I have come to dread, too. It's lonely and remote and away from everyone. In that room I have cried out to the ceiling, hoping to reach the God who, so often, seems to be just beyond reach. I have done bad things in that room and thought evil things. I have been angry with myself and I have hated my brothers and sisters.
But I cleaned out my room with that strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, that feeling of disconnectedness and acute awareness of change. I hastily staked my books and DVDs away, rushed to stuff dirty laundry into a black bag and quickly disposed of the junk I had accumulated that year. Then, I stopped. I stopped when I came to the notice board.
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Mission Log #1
Praise the LORD, all nations!
Extol him, all peoples!
For great is his steadfast love toward us,
and the faithfulness of the LORD endures forever.
Praise the LORD! (Psalm 117)
God's love for me doesn't change. His relentless pursuit of my affection is unending. He has been far more faithful to me than I ever could be to him. He has not abandoned me, instead sticking by me and holding me in his care.
He has not let sin conquer, but has shown his great power by mastering my sinfulness for his goodness. Indeed, those sinful things I desire slowly melt away for the faithfulness of my God shows me something better.
It is for this reason that I would bid the nations to praise the Lord.
Because God has been faithful to me, then I can invite all peoples to come and enjoy and put their trust in him. It's like, I can tell someone of their great worth to God because I know I am worth much to him.
So tonight I told some teenage boys about what it might mean to be captivated by God, to make him the uttermost important thing, to fear and to love him. I suppose I can do this because the Lord has been faithful to me, I can invite these kids to come and see how faithful the Lord would be to them.
First day of mission and up till this point God has been faithful, even in my unfaithfulness.
And so I shall invite all the people to fear and to put their trust and to glorify the Lord.
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Pick me, miss
I'm a drain on the taxpayer. And by that I mean I am a full time student. I study at Cliff College and enjoy my time doing so. Much of my week is taken up with lectures, and the nature of being in a small institution means there is a great deal of interactive learning. We tend to discuss things in our classes, exchanging ideas and experiences as we all seek to make sense of the God we worship.
In the classroom I am often vocal. Those who know me may find this a humorous understatement and it probably is. I feel no shame in suggesting alternative readings of texts which I have observed people use and enjoy bringing different theological traditions to a discussion. Yes, this makes me a bit of a swot but I kind of enjoy it. I like to challenge and to be challenged.
In the classroom, I will often answer direct questions and even interject where there is something I have in my mind which has not been addressed. I find the only way to reconcile the many competing ideas I have read is to discuss them.
People are impressed with me in the classroom. I even have awards to prove it. On the downside I have the envy of some of my friends...
This classroom persona I assume is confident, charismatic and cool-headed (I included the last one because I wanted to have three 'c's - truth be told I'm not very cool-headed whatsoever). This persona is also intimidating and threatening, never letting things lie, always having to strive for more. This persona has an insatiable appetite for success.
Outside of the classroom this person quickly evaporates. I lack confidence. I lack charisma. I am hot-headed. So that combination mean I get agitated at things and then d not ever say anything about them. I don't challenge people and run a mile when someone tries to challenge me.
Outside the classroom I become a different person. I know how to function in the classroom. I know the rules, have the confidence to express ideas which I haven't fully stretched out, relish in the experience.
A steady prayer of mine is that God would give me the strength and confidence to step into what he is calling me to do more often. Maybe that might mean showing grace and kindness to someone who may or may not be going through a hard time or calling to account someone who is clearly violating God's standards. Usually, though, I walk away from opportunities to be myself.
I am confident to be an academic. I am ashamed to be myself. What's up with that?
O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways. (Psalm 139:1-3)
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Near Death – a train-wreck
Saturday I didn't die. Granted, this is an assertion I can make about any day of the week, however this Saturday I can be more specific. I didn't die in a train crash. Well, anyone who rides in a train and lives can make that claim. To clarify: I didn't die when the train I was in derailed.
Travelling between London and Sheffield on a fast, modern, comfortable and convenient example of the latest railway technology, the Eternal seemed terrifyingly close to the Earthly. The journey was easy, everyone made it onto the train on time. No baggage was forgotten and we quickly found our seats. Settling down for a two hour journey after a tiresome few days, I certainly expected to be sleeping most of the way.
Muse lulled me to sleep for half an hour. Upon awakening I was struck by the snow that towered above us on the banks, either side of the track. Most frustrating, that now I lacked any mobile phone signal.
After making a comment as to how similar the scene was to Narnia - via a quip about wardrobes - I settled down again with Muse and the white view out the window.
A jolt. A shuddering. A bag falls from the rack above.
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Lessons in Honesty
Struggling? Been praying for change? God has finally heard my cry.
Here's how it worked for me:
"Hey dude, can we talk"
"Sure"
(Later)
"I've been really struggling with X"
"Thank you so much for sharing that, I've been really struggling with Y"
"Can we talk about X and Y more often"
"That would be amazing"
"Let's pray"
The conversation was amazing. The Lord draws near as we open ourselves to each other, as God seems to glorify himself most when we humble ourselves beyond what is comfortable.
This is what God has done for me tonight. He heard my prayers.
He is good.
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Young, free and single #1
This is the first of an occasional series as I reflect on what it means for me to be available to God.
Living in the community I do, Cliff College, there are several amusing quirks. The food, the heating, the paper-thin walls. And the phenomenon of 'cliff couples.'
One couple hold the record for fastest marriage, meeting in September and being married by the next year. Many of my friends don't seem to be too far behind! Much celebrating, excitement, anticipation as these, my dear friends, head into committed relationships which likely will result in marriage.
But if I am called to be single, for a time, then I imagine that God wants me to not become part of a 'Cliff couple.'
Why?
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On the third day… (Remembering God's grace)
Sunday has been a very significant day for Christians. The reason we have traditionally held church worship on this day is because it is the day of Jesus' resurrection.
New life and new hope came on Sunday.
So from now on I shall list here, every Sunday the ways in which God has been good to me and the ways he has answered me.
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An exercise in meaningless narcissism (Or rather, another blog post from me)
Tonight there was a celebration at Cliff College. We celebrate every 2 weeks, the work God has been accomplishing in us and through us.
We gather and sing, think, reflect and encounter God together.
Tonight, a student at college preached on St Paul, and talked about how the message we proclaim is meaningless unless it has affected our lives. There was a big emotion-filled call for prayer which, frankly, put me off. Yet if the invitation is open for prayer, and heaven knows I need it, who am I to refuse?
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A night with the kids
Shouting; noisy; smelly; beatutiful
Rage; boredom; nowhere; kind
Hopeless; abandon; forsaken; loved
On the yellow-lit streets on a freezing November evening, there are some young people who like to meet their friends at the crossroads where there are shops. People do not like this. They see 'gang' and 'yobs' and 'knife-crime'.
Spend an hour, spend two. There is goodness here. Ask God to show it to you.
Fight the cause of these fatherless kids, condemned to mediocrity. Show them extravagent love.
Amen
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